The Origins of Jaboc

So recently Jaboc's been posting all kinds of hubbub about how awesome his name is, but only briefly mentions where he got the name. So I'm here to enlighten you all to the story.

As most of you know...yeah I'd say probably all 4 of you know that several of us here at ROFLmyZygote were on a globally ranked DI team. As we were preparing to leave for the global competition, we were decorating the cars we were taking with silly slogans like "We're Awesome" and "PERPOSTERONE!!" and it seemed that the whole team was there...except a boy called Jacob Allex. As you can imagine, we were a little bitter. We all bothered to show up, but young mister Allex just couldn't grace us with his parents (EDITOR'S NOTE: I assume this was supposed to be presence)...we thought. So I was writing all the team members' names on one of the cars (with car paint, totes legit) and being hurt and confused by his decision to abandon us so close to the pivotal moment in DI history, i couldn't concentrate, much less write accurately, so when i went to write the traitor's name, it came out looking like "Jaboc." The rest of the team was afraid that I had developed a late form of dyslexia, but I knew the truth. The truth of the heartbreak. Just as we were all speaking of the devil, he appeared. He saw the name, and was forever coined Jaboc.
We've made up since then. But there is still tension.

well, not so much tension but more I glare at him sometimes and then we laugh.

So there is the tell all, no-holds-bar story. It was difficult to revisit but I do this for you, my reader.
kthx later kids :D

Jaboc actually is something?!

So I was snooping around the interwebs and found out that Jaboc is actually a book......it's in spanish though and found it kinda scary, thank you caroline for the nickname.....just throwing that out there =)
HERE

Bringing Caroline Down!

This post was made for no apparent reason, other than saying "HELLO OUT THERE INTERWEBS!" and putting carolines post down there |So, if you want put me into a interesting story if you want this to be a "real" post <(^_^)> \/

Hello, Internet

How have you been? It's been a while. Too long... Somethings were said...things I'm sure neither of us are proud of. And I would have called but I knew you wouldn't have answered. Still, I should have called. I should have made more of an effort and that's something I'm working on. I'm going to try because, well, I miss you, Internet. I still love you. And I think you still love me too. Can we make this work? Good. That's what I was hoping to hear.

*enter hot, cyber, make-up sex*

I think that joke has landed, let's move on.

Right now, I'm going to shamelessly plug for something I love. Something that I've been TRYING to get Quaden and Mr. Barrel Roll to pay attention to, with minor success. It's a TV show/Comedy Troupe called The Whitest Kids U Know. Its seriously hilarious.



THIS
links you to parts one and two of one of my favorite sketches, and on the page you can find a WHOLE bunch of other bits of hilarity.

Enjoy please.
kthx.

Music

http://www.soundclick.com/cohlwiler

Fragmented Swarm by cohlwiler

Rapid Dystopia by cohlwiler

I'm about to hit the 5 track per month limit on soundcloud, so I'll switch over to soundclick.

And I just bought noise.io, which is a synth for iPod Touch and iPhone, so expect some amazing synth lines in future songs.


Noise.io - the iPhone Synthesizer from ToyoBunko on Vimeo.

A Visual Guide to Pauls

(it's actually high resolution, not sure why blogger isn't letting it scale; click for good quality)

It is a very special day...

Hey everyone! I'm not really sure if anyone still reads this blog, but I felt like writing a post. After all, it is a very important day. It is the birthday of a very important person, a person who has influenced the lives of millions, if not billions of people around the world. And that person is...



...



(you should probably scroll down)





...







(no, I'm not talking about Jimmy Buffett)





...




(nor am I talking about Raptor Jesus)



...



none other than trance producer and DJ Armin van Buuren*. His inspirational music has inspired people around the world to new acts of kindness and religious persecution (not really). His death has been mourned, and his second coming is expected any day now (once again, this is stretching the truth (actually this is taking the truth and not just stretching it but ripping it into tiny pieces, burning those pieces, and replacing them with my own version of the truth), Armin van Buuren is still alive). But even if none of that is true, Armin is still a pretty cool dude. First of all, he's Dutch. And second, he played a record breaking 9-hour long set in Holland. And if that's not enough:


And if that video didn't convince you then. . . good for you, it's strange and not that impressive. I wouldn't be convinced either.


*Not to be confused with Martin Van Buren, the eight President of the United States, who after riding into the presidency on Andrew Jackson's coattails, faced a difficult four years, mostly due to the Panic of 1837.


(click for high resolution awesomness and special pixely goodness)

Distorted Tranquility

Distorted Tranquility by cohlwiler

http://www.intua.net/

I found this charity website and would encourage everyone to visit it.
Just warning you, it's a little disturbing.
Thanks.

My noggin be asploding about DI, so here I am.

Guys! DI-world lies in broken little pieces! I miss our frolicsome meetings and our riotous little tangents! I love you guys to death, but I also wish you would talk to us. I feel cut off from you guys completely, which is a major downer, because you guys are my favorite Oakwoodians ever. Michel Light is close, but no cigar.Though I might have been able to squiggle in on my own or with Porter, I felt weird without Sarah and Libbi. What if we kept last years team together, since Porter is no longer interested. I said to myself, "Self, I miss my DI people! Why are you not writing to your people and begging them to do shit to make stuff better?" So here I am. Lets do shit to make stuff better! Let's regenerate our old team and not get caught cheating! Let's really get second place in the world! I miss you guys! Talk to me about it! I like exclamation points!

AWW YEAH!!!!

To all of our kind readers to whom I have not yet gloated:

OBAMA, FOOLS!!! YEAH!!! AWW HELL YEAH!!!

True, he misses some of my standards. He's a capitalist, and all that. But, really, this might mean I can be cool with my country again. I hope it'll have me back...

Hello.

Hi everyone*. I have not been here in a very long time. Today my interest was spurred by our first DI meeting in a month or two and discussion of ROFLmyZygote was brought up. SO I decided to revisit blogworld*. YAYY.

Okay, a few days ago my family and I noticed a couple of stray, black kittens living underneath my house. They are so tiny and every since we spotted them, we've been trying to coax them into coming inside from the cold and the horrors of the wild. They are very frightened and skittish, so they would run away whenever we tried to go near them. So we got a humane trap and set it up with some meow mix in it and last night, we has kitty! Just one though, we can't find the other. But it's living in an old dog kennel in the basement with my brother right now, until we can get it checked out which we are doing tomorrow.

It's very exciting. hooray.

o.0.O

Who are you?

When you see this image, you will most likely think that it is the work of myself. However, this is not the case. It was posted in our comments section by "Huddled Masses" on October 21 at 10:18 PM. I would like to commend this fine photoshoppery as well as invite this commenter to share their true identity.

I spent like 40 minutes on this...

Our background... color ... back to black?

does anyone get this?

Coolness!

Hey, this is going to be another short post, I'm afraid. To give everyone who cares (I see you there in the back) an idea of how things are going, I've decided that school is pointless. If I mysteriously disappear, tell my parents I'm backpacking through Alberta.
Anyways, I've been on a music binge, and have discovered the following:
Orphaned Land kicks ass. Google them! They use Floyd/ King Crimson-esque prog motifs in a metal setting, with heavy classical and Oriental music influences. Seriously, give them a look.

Death Magnetic does not suck! Who knew?

Everyone ever needs to listen to Liquid Tension Experiment.

Finally, Kierkegaard is a Christian, and I almost believe some of his writing. I don't know whether to be impressed, scared, or disgusted with myself.

About my absense....

So as you might know, I have been gone. I have in fact missed our 100th post, for which I am deeply sorry. I however have returned with a tale. During our wonderful hurricane a few days ago, nearly all of Oakwood lost power. I missed two days of school. I also didn't get power restored for nine whole days. It was not that fun.

And that's about it.




I'll see if anyone can guess what this is.

This post, Edition 2!

Alright, so I've already posted today, and this post isn't really about anything. But look at it. Yes, that's Sean Connery.

EDIT: Arg! Somebody needs to post something! I'm so alone...

100th post!

Hey, all! We are now, officially, 100 posts into the blog. I sort of feel like it should be Quay making this post, as he's really been the thread holding this crazy little corner of the internet together all these... several months, suppose. Anywho, I want to thank our viewers, however sporadic their appearances, our contributers, with the same appendix as the above felicitation, and anyone who told anyone about us. Furthermore, I would like to thank God for giving me the strength to carry on this minor contribution to the world. Although it's been hard, I think the world might be a slightly better place thanks to our suckling from the most holy teat of Jehovah. Praise the Lord, AMEN!


















Kidding, by the way. Your god is still dead.

ONE MAN. ONE MISSION. ONE MILLION BABES.

Set mostly in a dystopian future, the game begins in modern day Los Angeles, when Duke is interrupted at a strip club by the sudden teleportation of women and pig-cops. After a gun battle, Duke uses the teleportation device to travel forwards through time, where he is greeted by a woman - a member of the Unified Babe Resistance - who explains that in the future aliens have invaded earth, killed all men and enslaved all women. The Unified Babe Resistance has avoided the aliens thus far, and have sent for Duke to fight off the aliens. The game has a linear story mode that focuses more on tactical maneuvering than on the gung-ho jumping and shooting in other Duke games; it also includes a two player death match in rooms similar to some the game's environments.

On Life and Pelican

Hey, y'all! It's been a bit since I've posted, and I'm doing nothing in particular, so I'm going to yell at the world for a few minutes. Given that it is cliche (imagine the accent) as all hell, is the stereotypical philosophical question, and has no bearing on anything, I'm going to talk about the MEANING OF LIFE!!!!!

I'm going to say firstly that there isn't one. As we weren't put here intentionally,* as per my reasonings, we have no objective purpose. There is no destiny for the human race, no cause, no higher ideal. As I've so blatantly and pessimistically screamed at the blogosphere in the past, we are alone (on a theological level, of course.) So, what does that leave me to talk about? Very little!

Okay, here's me fumbling for subject matter. Suppose, for a moment, that there is a meaning of life, and that our existence in entirely necessary. What do you do? Do you quest for that purpose? Do you spend your life in search of it? No! Yes, you heard me. If there is one thing you do not want to know, it ois why you are here. Suppose our purpose as a race is to make some Zxtylophnites feel remorseful when they randomly blow up our planet. Is this advantageous for the greater good? Yes, very; the Zxtylophnites would have otherwise blown up everything, after having realised that they could, and not felt at all bad about it, being dead.. (I know this is silly; bear with me.) So, then, suppose you find that out. Likely reaction:

Finder-outer: "Oh, bawls." Insert years of waiting, cringing at shooting stars, and ultimately offing oneself in anticipation.

No imagine that the same thing is true, but you don't find know your purpose. Nothing happens. Then, let's say, 10 years later, you die. Likely reaction:

Former-finder-outer: "Oh, bawls!" Note that these "bawls" come around a happy decade later.

So... yeah. I feel done. I might expand on this later, but most likely won't. See everybody later.

Oh, yeah, check out the band Pelican, specifically the album City of Echoes. They have a song called "Spaceship Broken-- Parts Needed." That alone should be enough to merit your undying and omnipresent love for this group.




*To see why this is almost definitely true, click here: 0_o

Damn Fascists...

So, in the comments on Porter's Super Anarchy post I mentioned my mail being searched. Here is the tale.

I spent the majority of this past July in a small Ohioan town at Friends Music Camp, a Quaker affair based on immersing young musicians in musical studies. Their I befriended one Issac Plum. (Name obviously changed.) When I returned home after a month of melodic frolicking, I wrote many letters to my FMC friends, and I even received one. It was from Isaac.
Unlike most mail I receive, this envelope was odd. It was not the curling hand of my friend on its face, nor was it the bright postage stamps in the corner. It was the gaping slice through the side. Confused, I read the letter. It concluded with the jesting phrase "I promise that the honey stick isn't too poisonous..."
There was no honey stick.
It was then that I noted that Isaac had, as is his custom, signed the envelope Comrade Plum. The fascists had noted the Communist undertones, read my mail, and stolen my delicious golden organic goodness. Evil bastards.

Anonymous Identity Revealed!

Yes, little smart ones, you guessed it. I was "The Octopi Person."

In fact, the seemingly-random octopi comments were actually virtually filled with references to a certain musical (and one reference to another, but that's another story, never mind, anyway...) which I have now proven that NONE OF YOU NOTICED. None of you know your Evita! Sad, sad stuff, because Evita is excellent, really. ALW at his best. Of course, I'm not much of a fan of ALW, mostly because he's kind of a bitch (Sunset Boulevard drama, anyone? But of course, I take Patti's side.) but still, Evita is an awesome musical. So I filled some comments with references to the song titles. The only thing that was actually random was... well, the addition of octopi. There are no octopi in Evita. It might have been interesting if there were... but it was interesting anyway. But not the movie. Madonna couldn't even sing the score. They changed the keys! The Eva HAS to have a reeeally good high belt for Buenos Aires and A New Argentina. Patti did (even though she can't pronounce descamisados), Julie did (and her english accent is really hilarious on a character meant to be Argentinan, just like everyone else on the concept album), Madonna does *not.*

Here are all the references:

What I Said: Reference

Hello, and Thank You Quaden: Goodnight and Thank You, Magaldi/Whoever

Quaden Beware Of The Octopi: Eva Beware Of The City

Super duper societal destruction

Alright, I've come to a decision: I hate all of it. Democrats, republicans, socialists, communists, anarchists, monarchists, despotists, and fascists; none of their forms of government work. They all end up with one happy minority (ie. white males, Brahmin, politicians) prospering, while the rest of the population is shuffled into the role of the proletariat, where they stew until one new minority get the charisma, guts and guns they need to rise. Whatever kind of government establishes itself, this cycle seems to repeat. It's come to be my opinion that this cycle does not show some problem in society. That would be too easy; problems can be fixed. My mantra, of late is this: Society is the problem.



Wait, that's not quite accurate. My mantra is closer to "Fuck, let's burn it all."



In reality, this is rather, if not entirely, close to my proposition. The main idea is to get rid of society. So, here's my game plan (in four easy steps!):

1. Seize power.
This sounds hypocritical, but some manipulation is necessary before we reach the finale. A big country, preferably one with a lot of bombs, is ideal. The coup needn't be particularly clean; we just need planes and bombs.

2. Incite hysteria worldwide.
Make sure everyone thinks they are about to be invaded. This is important; Libya, Iran, Norway, and Siera Lione all need to be afraid of a global takeover.

3. Arm the masses.
This, combined with the next step, should be enough to take out the brunt of the population, thus removing society. This should be done by some network of conspiratorial "Freedom Fighting" groups, who will, working for you, distribute the guns.

4. Fuck it all.
Bombs, bombs, bombs, and more bombs. This is the step where we set off a high explosive in every major urban center, do hundred-trillions of dollars of damage, and take a huge bite out of 6.7 billion people.

Now this plan may seem a bit drastic, but keep in mind that I do not actually intend for anyone to make good on this proposition. This is nothing but a thought experiment; showing that it is possible to reduce humanity to a small amount of villages and hamlets, pretty much removing technology. With that said, this is, in my opinion, the only real way to "fix" the world. Who knows; maybe it would kill off humans altogether. If this happened, the earth would be considerably better off.

Hmm... a plan this glorious needs a name. I dub it: super-anarchism!

http://picasaweb.google.com/cohlwiler/8248

no photoshop; no GIMP; no post manipulation of any kind; all in my house; all today

feel free to guess

Tired

School has begun again, and, with it, I hope, a new age dawns for our blog! Tell all your friends! It's NEW! It's GHETTO-FABULOUS! Be the first one on your block to...
[have your boy sent home in a box]
ENJOY OUR MINDLESS RANTS AND RAMPANT RAPE/DEATH THREATS! HURRAH!

Anyway, thanks go out to Caden for keeping the blog alive over the summer. Really.
And remember, kids: no needles! No pills! No powders!

(That was for the kids, in honor of Caden's request.)

F[censored for language] You M[censored for Privacy]t S[censored for Privacy]nd

Thanks to your no good shenanigans, when I search my full name, [censored for my privacy], on the leading brand of intertubes based web search: G[censored for humor]gle, the 10th result is, guess what:

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=[Censored for my privacy]

And that's out of 74 results. That means that anyone who: A)does not know much about me and B)cares to learn more and C)uses the internet will be in full contact with this new information.

74/1 = Math % and that means that of the 74 results: statistic.decimalPlaces will involve R[censored for the childrens, oh won't someone please think of the chi'llins]ape and Ma[once again censored for the children]rajua[please think of them]na.

Howdy!

Hello, all. Really, this post is a bit of a vitals check. The blog may have reached an early demise; so, I may simply cease checking the blog. Would any persons who still read the blog at all please respond to this? If this fails, I'll try again during the school year, but for the summer, the blog may be emeritus.

ISO 64

http://picasaweb.google.com/cohlwiler/ISO64/

I Love My Life

As many may be able to tell from my cynical humor, anti-religious ranting, and general foul demeanor, Porter is not a happy person. It's not that my life was particularly bad, I just tend towards a darker mentality.
This, for the time being, has changed. Hopefully, this change will extend nto the future for a bit.
(No, I did not find God. Actually, he's been tied up in my basement this whole time. I always knew where he was.)
Anyways, YSKP is going smoothly, the awesome hippie camp portion of my summer is about to begin, and I could burst into song. Specifically, the Beatles' "I've Just Seen a Face."

Porter Fitch is the luckiest man alive.

Life is good.

The world in general still sucks, mind you. But my beliefs have been shaken, my own personal microcosm is getting much brighter. Sorry to any who I may have confused, I might post a full explanation, but I'm fucking bursting here. Really, I'm not too big on forcing my personal life on people through the blog, but I sort of need to shout to the hills for a minute.

My apologies.

Huzzah! Byaa!

Today

June 24th is a very special day. Do any of you bloglanders know why it is a very special day?

Hint: I know. But I won't tell you... because evil laughter is more fun.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Great White Way and Killing the Weather Man

So. The Tonys. 

General amazingness of course. An appearance by the original cast of one of the best musicals ever. Some random advice on what you should wear in different situations. 

And 60-mile-an-hour winds.

What, you ask? What do advanced thunderstorm warnings have to do with the Tony Awards?

I DON'T KNOW EITHER!!!!!

Except that the stupid weather people kept interrupting the VERY IMPORTANT PROGRAM WHICH HAPPENED TO BE ON TV to show us the doppler radar.

"In about two minutes such-and-such storm will be reaching such-and-such county and there will be blah blah blah..."

They interrupted the theatre awards for THIS?

Now don't get me wrong, it's important for people to know when there are going to be insane things happening in the sky and falling on their houses and stuff. But come on. Would they have done this to, say, the Fantastic Plate or whatever it is those football fans go nuts over?

NO.

And yet they fail to recognize that people watching to see which Broadway shows win Tony awards DO NOT CARE about the weather. No, we do not. It can be raining cats and dogs. It can be hailing golf balls. But please do not notify us if it means taking away the Tony Awards. 

Anyways, mostly nonexistent blog readers, any thoughts on the results?

Holy hell

Street fair was amazing. Truly entertaining. For those of you who enjoy their peaceable sub-rock domains, this is the occasion where many people who dislike people from Yellow Springs swarm the streets and, in some occasions, get very, very drunk. For the "townies," this is an opportunity to traumatize these hordes and purchase large amounts of useless and overpriced junk that will be broken and tossed aside in a week's time. It is super-fabulous.
Need I say more?

Well, summer is here, the bugs have come out of the god-damned woodworks, and I have recently been experiencing computer problems. Yes, I am a bit of a pessimist.
Anyways, taking a note from Carolinus, I have decided to detail my activities insofar this summer.
-Reading a ton. This includes Hemingway, Lovecraft, Vonnegut, and Douglas Adams. If you do not know any of these authors, you alone justify the concept of the thought police.
-Listening to copious music. As many of you know, I am a bit of a metalhead, and as such my room has been recently filled with the strains of Pantera, Emperor, Dimmu Borgir, and Slayer. Also joining these are Muddy Waters, Joe Bonnamassa, Joe Satriani, and the Allman Brothers Band.
-Selling my life to one John Fleming, who is directing a version of Frankenstein for stage in which I will be acting. It may be awesome, or filled with fail.
-Playing hour upon hour of Bioshock with our very own Quaden and Bub. (Quampster!)
-Almost breaking a computer technician's rather expensive phone by misinterpreting a hand signal. This was compounded upon the stress of upgrading the hardware of a computer, and was met with a well deserved explosion of cursing and indignation. Yes, I tossed a dude's cell phone at him. I am stupid. Now kindly shut up.
-Trying to fix a dysfunctional laptop. Ironically, I am now in no position to ask for help. (See above.)

No, DON'T ROFL my Zygote!

No, your eyes have not deceived you. I did indeed command you to NOT roll on the floor laughing at an early stage of human creation. This is because many of us, including myself have not been keeping up our end of this bargain we have going. You readers, few that there may be, make a conscious effort to log on and read and in return you expect frequent and interesting posts. I assume. This long, winding, explanation of the lack of posting going on is warranted by an even larger lack of anything interesting to say. For that, I apologize.

Today I did not much of anything. I'm watching The Office right now. I'm ALWAYS watching The Office. Tomorrow I embark on a road trip to see Death Cab For Cutie live. That should kick superfluous amounts of ass.
That's my description of my life in real time. In case you cared.
By using the term 'you' I realize that I am almost definitely talking to myself.

My Absence From Blogland

I haven't posted in a while! Such sadness. But it's because I was off having a really marvelous adventure. So I think I'll tell you about it.

I was busy rescuing the phone book tree people of Kamfubla from the evil, Slinky-eating Garfubblers.

Or maybe I was making toast.

Or quite possibly on a swimming tour with pandas in the Arctic. 

Or sitting on top of a stranger's garage eating apple slices.

Or all of the above.

WHO KNOWS???????????????????????????????????????????

I don't know. Where have I been? You tell me.

WHO ELSE LOVES SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wayne S7A7IC

Chloro-Matic

Bonus points to anyone who can find me a picture of Kelly Roth.

THE POWER OF CHOICE

Saw this at the end of a spam email, and thought it was kinda epic:


Moar amazing offers please!

What an awful final.

Getting Up Clsoe and Personal

OMFG!!!! I was walking this girl home with my friends Tyler and Oliver. It was nice out and we heard some thunder in the distance, it didn't seem that the weather would change quickly. We finally got to her house and said goodbye then started walking towards the school so that Tyler's mom could pick us up since it started to rain. We almost got to the school and it was raining but the lightning was still in the distance. We got to the overhang of the school and were about to go to the Junior High door, when all of a sudden, lightning came down and struck a tree right in front of us. Twigs flew everywhere and there was a huge crack as the tree came crashing down right in front of our eyes. We then ran to the door and started banging on it since the janitor was right down the hall. When we got to the door, with our luck the janitor turns down the science hall and doesn't hear us banging as hard as we could on the door. In a panic I called my dad and thankfully he had just dropped my sister off at work. We waited about a minute and he came and picked us up. Today was probably one of the freakiest and the most cool days of my life.

You know kids...
...there's a word for people who never have fun...
...and that word...
...is crypto-fascist.


http://www.graphiteplayground.com/comic.php?date=2008-05-12

I has a luvs it.

Need I say anything else?

KERBLAMMY

It is what my head does.

Photoshopping at 2 in the morning

Ok so i was up last night and i drank a lot of coke...i couldn't get to sleep and started to get tired. so pretty much i was bored and couldnt find anything to do so i decided to open up photoshop and just let my thought take over my body. this is what i came up with


a child be stolen by a kangaroo.....................yay for photoshop?

New post.

I keep checking this blog and all I see are these old posts, so I've decided to dedicate a few minutes to writing a new post. Don't expect anything amazing; it'll just be me talking.

So, finals are next week, and I really need to study. I've been trying today, but I'm so tired. I was up last night because of the storm, and now I'm too tired to get any work done. I tried taking a caffeine pill (200 mg (about 5 as much as in a coke)) and that didn't do anything. My dad told me to take another one, which I am afraid might kill me, but it still might happen.

So, that's the post. Other blog members, you need to help me out. I'm all alone over here.


Edit: Apparently Porter had posted before I wrote this, but I did not see his post for some reason. My apologies.

Religion, nihilism, bears.

There is no god.
This is officially true-- I have full truth.
I have been up since 5 am. It is now ten.
FIVE GODDAMN HOURS. AS OF TEN.


Anyway, I'm actually going to put a real post in here. It should probably start below, but I'm going to get this out of my system. I despise getting up early. It is my bane; my nemesis; Sodom to my Gomorrah, or whatever that one is. Didn't one of those places get smote because there were gay guys there? Or because they didn't want to get pregnant, or something? The Bible is weird.

Hmm... I have mentioned Christianity/God several times already... Perhaps I'll blaze that trail. If
I'm going to explore religion, I apologize beforehand to any religious readers. I will show your beliefs no more respect than I would any other system of thought that I find silly. That might get me into trouble later on.

Anyways, religion.
Why?

Religion is essentially culturally ubiquitous. I have never heard of a culture that has not developed religion, and have never heard of a cultural advance or decline that was not either affected of effected an effect on religion. (Ambiguous grammar, w00t!) So, why is religion everywhere? Is it necessary? If so, why?

Alright, first question. I have seen it assumed that religion is common, and therefore necessary. I disagree with this reasoning. Not everything that is must be. Take, for example, wisdom teeth. At one point, they were necessary: our diet was composed of various rough and chewy things, and it was likely that we would lose a couple of teeth. Wisdom teeth come in, push other teeth into empty slots, fill molar slots, nom. However, they are now useless, and we get them removed most of the time. Religion might be sort of like that. If, at one point, religion worked as a survival tool, it would become dominant, regardless of accuracy. Let me add a dab of context.

Alright, humans evolve. We get our numbers high enough, and reach, say, generation F6, which is composed of 1,000 individuals. Now, let's say that F6 is split 50/50 between nihilists and deists. What happens? Remember, this is the wild, so we thinking folk don't have the luxuries we do now (sorry for implying you don't think, Thomas Payne. You were smart enough, but too radical for the church, and not enough for me.) So, anywho, the deists think that God wants them to live, so they hunt/ forage/ reproduce. The nihilists aren't so sure, so they spend slightly less time hunting, and more time trying to figure out why they should bother hunt if it doesn't change a damn thing in the greater universe. This doesn't matter yet at this point-- nihilism works fine from a survivalist standpoint with no pressures. Now, however, bears. Let's say that once a season, bears attack. Being organized, the early humans fight them off with a 90% success rating. Let's also say that their numbers double yearly. So, the bears keep some of the population in check-- if we assume that the doubling occurs all at one time, we gain around 300 humans the first year, and around 3/10 increases from that point. But, nihilists. Let's say bears attack-- deists will always try to fight them off, but nihilists have an 80% chance of saying "Why?" and getting nommed. So, each attack should weed off .1 of the population (remember, .9 success), with .02 more of that being nihilists. In that case, a deist has a 20% better chance of surviving to make babies, which is a gynormous evolutionary advantage. As such, if we assume that deists teach their kids about God, and nihilists teach theirs about Sartre. Therefore, nihilism gets the boot pretty quickly, and deists populate the planet. What conclusion can we draw here? If a significant pressure is present, religion is evolutionarily favorable. Jesus Christ, that's ironic.

Oh, also, bears and nihilists don't mix.

Second question-- necessary? No. I will repeat this. No. We do not need to believe in Jesus&friends to maintain our existence. In reality, the effects of religion on survival are intensely more subtle than I projected, and the chances are something like .02 percent better, not 20. Regardless, there is little to no chance of bear attack in the civilized world today, and religion is probably not the only thing holding the modern world up-- and if it were, I would have few problems with letting that world fall. Weare not that world, however, and we do not need religion to stat afloat-- maybe in the past it helped a little, maybe its prevalence is not but a fluke, but anyways, we don't need it now.

By the way, due to computer problems, this is not being posted until the day after its composition. Oh, and my sister just graduated from Wellesley Magna Cum Laude. Top that, fools.

The end of the world.

Virtual Reality. Nearly everyone has heard of it. The dorky helmets which let you see pseudo-3D images and things, and those video games like second life where you can fly around. That's not the kind of VR I'm about to talk about. I'm talking Matrix style, or like the Holodeck in Star Trek.

So just imagine... 50 years in the future and our technology has advanced to the point where we are able to create simulations that are indistinguishable from our current universe. Now, ignoring logistics, imagine that the known universe was mapped, atom by atom, or at least well enough that we could put this copy of our universe into the virtual reality simulation.

Then, if everyone in the world was connected to the virtual reality simulator, it would seem as though nothing had changed (ignoring, of course, the momentary break between mapping and connecting). As long as the virtual worlds were exactly the same as our own, we would notice no change. People would act like people, things would act like things. But, they wouldn't be real things, or real people, they would merely be digital representations of them. But, as long as it was done well enough, you wouldn't notice.

Now this is where it gets really interesting. Assuming that each virtual world could be manipulated, everyone could just be put on a deserted island and given whatever they wanted. It doesn't even have to be an island, it could be a cloud, or a palace; since it is only their world, it affects no one else, and technically there are no consequences.

So, we get this technology, hook everyone up, now what? Is there any point left in reproduction? If all aspects of of life are simulated, sex will be also. Instead of actual babies, we would get digital babies, and these digital babies could have normal lives, except they would be only digital lives.

Now what happens once everyone who was initially connected dies? There would still be billions of virtual worlds, except with no real person to "entertain". Could they be merely be switched off? Would it matter that the virtual babies would be killed? Are they even technically "living"?

So, I've got a hypothetical situation for the planned genocide of the entire human race. But before you lock me up, think about it. Everyone is happy (theoretically), no one is killed (except the virtual babies), and aside from all of the resources necessary to build the simulations, nothing is used. My entire scenario depends on whether the people care that they are in a simulation, which I assume that they do not; hey, they get cloud palaces.

I have more to say, but I'd better stop for tonight. I'm interested in hearing any feedback, even if you're telling me to leave the philosophy to Porter.

A warning.

While most of you are used to my photoshoppings and Porter's philosophical musings, I am considering attempting to muse on said philosophical topics. As my knowledge of philosophy is based more on experience than Porter's (or so I think), my posts will likely make even less sense.

You have been warned.

And sometime in the next month be ready for a video. It will be awesome. And require a lot of editing. So don't expect it anytime soon.

Random Awesomeness For Your Enjoyment

Sunflowers are like the Mary Poppins of flora.

More Cowbell!

Hay Thar. I have not posted in a while. I've missed whomever may be bored enough to read this. I don't really have a lot to say in this post, but it has been a while so I figure I'll just ramble. Yay!

So we're back from Globals. It was an epic adventure. Hot guys were stalked, shiny things were received and a magical time was had by all. Well, mostly all. For those of you who have never been lucky enough to experience the wonderfulness that is an Elevator Party, I feel deeply sorry for you. They are undoubtedly the one of greatest things I've ever had the opportunity to experience. Creepy note-leaving also ranks in the top ten. Pin trading, while unabashedly dorky, is immensely awesome. Also Quaden and I are quarreling lovers. Yay. Arbitrary deductions and incompetent appraisers aside, it was a wonderful week and I can't wait for next year. Assuming we make it to globals next year. I really hope we make it to globals next year.

So now I sit here at my shitty computer while my brother uses my good one...ew. I'm watching The Office. Oh how I missed The Office so while I was gone.
Deborah Sharfslefsky
142 North Winsor Lane
Dead. Car Accident.
Case closed.
Teehee. I love Dwight. Not as much as I love Ryan. Zomg. He's such a douchebag but he's such a fox.

I think that if you read the blog you should definitely comment lots. But don't spam and don't be rude. Just say things. It would make me happy. And that's really what everyone wants, isn't it? Yes. Yes, it is.

Music-- Plus, poll type thingy

Alright, it's the end of the three-day weekend, and I need to have a post so that I break my schedule one week into its genesis. However, I have little to write about, and don't feel like rambling like I did last post, so I'm going to give my adoring public (sob-I'm-alone) something slightly less philosophical; because when I'm short on Dawkins and Descartes, it's time to break out the Lordi and Lamb of God.
So, anywho, I'm going to preface with an incomplete list of my favorite bands, in the order in which they strike me. Here goes--
Pink Floyd, Albert King, B.B. King, Robert Johnson, Wynton Marsalis, Miles Davis, Children of Bodom, Hypnogaja, Rise Against, ChthoniC, Boston, Charlie Parker GnR, Job for a Cowboy, Porcupine Tree, Teitur Lassan, Bela Fleck, Edgar Meyer, Louis Armstrong, Beppe Gambetta, Carlo Aonzo, Emperor, Nine Inch Nails, Dead to Fall...

So on. I have very eclectic musical tastes. In a glance, I can see metal, blues, Italian folk, jazz, American folk, classic rock, and so forth. This does not even name composers, in which case I begin to delve into the worlds of baroque, big band, and pre-Romantic classical. Wow-- I must be insane.

Anyways, because I have little more patience for this post, and wish to go back to my good friend Hemingway, I'm going to open this to the readers (we know there's at least one of you.) I would like everyone, if it's not too inconvenient, to post their two or three favorite composers/bands/artists, and tell me why they're awesome.

To begin...

Pink Floyd-- best mood building and song structure of anyone I know.
All That Remains-- Tasteful metal-core, with a very, very good lead player, and some pretty subtle harmonization and rhythm/melody counterplay.
Miles Davis-- Jazz embodified. Listen to Bitches Brew, and you'll understand.

That's it! Please post!

Chaos and pintrading

DI is done, and despite the relief of being through with rehersals and such, I watch it pass with sorrow, because it was the most fun I've had in a long while. Luckily, the team will rise from the ashes that fell from the closing ceremony's excessive fireworks to find a new challenge. Exciting, no?
On another note, we got 2nd 1/2 place. Oh yes. Damn corrupt appraisers. No harsh feelings, though, because it was awesome anywhoo. Oh, and to those about to rock, flying robot zombie hookers who fight for animal rights and drive white vans filled with candy. Yummy.

The Long and Winding Post... (Bum bum...bum bum buhhh...)

Alright, it's Friday, and I feel like sticking to the schedule I said I was going to impose on myself. However, there is no one topic about which I particularly want to speak, so I'll do what I do best, as any of my very patient classmates will agree: ramble!
No, not like a bluesman, although that would be pretty cool, and may come up in this discussion. It's sort of hard to ramble in the got-no-money-for-the-greyhound-my-woman-done-left-me-all-I-got-is-the-clothes-on-my-back-and-this-here-old-guitar sense while typing, so I'll take my wanderlust in a more literary direction, instead. Speaking of literary, Kurt Vonnegut! He's awesome! And, unfortunately, dead! So it goes, as the Tralfamadorians would say. But, anyways, he brings up a bunch or really cool, if (due to their being?) bizarre, points. One of these, as you may have guessed by reading the above (or, you know, his books) is that of death. He has a recurring set of alien characters known as the Tralfamadorians, who, while variable in description between books, share a philosophy on death. The philosophy is, essentially, it happens. Whenever a person dies, they express remorse, but do not mourn. As Vonnegut describes it, they view life like a mountain range; you can walk to one end, and reaching the end may be bitter, but there are still plenty of mountains behind you. Likewise, if a person dies, it's sad in the moment, but there are still plenty of moments when that person was alive. Now is simply not one of those moments.
It may be bizarre, but I sort of agree with that philosophy. I mean, doesn't it seem strange that something so ephemeral can have such a huge impact upon its ending. However, I find that this philosophy is nearly impossible to actually follow. We, as humans, mourn the dead, form opinions about the living, and tend to discard those opinions for respect when the living become the dead. It is evolution-- we are inherently focused on keeping the kin alive, for obvious natural selection related reasons. Still, doesn't it seem more logical to accept death and celebrate life? To roll with the punches?
However, we, as human beings, are not logical creatures. If we were fully logical, there would be no religion*; no art; no love. And, while grief is painful, grief is really an expression of attachment which would be negated by perfect, cold logic. So, I say, fuck exactness in thought! Delve deep, and to hell with the consequences! Ask the big questions! Don't relent! Throw caution to the motherfucking wind! And, lastly, live! Because, really, if we all were governed by perfect logic, the only emotions would be satisfaction and fear. And, really, what are those to joy and anticipation? Nothing, I say. Bah, I say.

Poo-tee-weet?

Wow, that's going to be hard to follow. But, please, if I've sparked any epiphanies, read the rest before you post, because double posts are no fun. Anyways, I've written all of that before, in various different forms**, but still fail to live by it entirely. Why is that? Actually, I haven't a goddamn clue, so you're actually going to be reading the conclusion recorded directly as I reached it. Lucky you, and pardon any sloppiness in reasoning.
Anywho, I realize that this is probably the best way to live. But, I'm not living this way. Where's the gap? What is it in me that prevents me from throwing caution entirely to the wind? Could it be logic?
After all, I said that these things were diametrically opposed to pure, unadulterated logic. So, am I thnking too much? Do I over-reason?

Hmm...


I don't think so. After all, this proposed lifestyle, while very carefree, is not without its share of thought. Wasn't my first suggestion to delve deep? That can't be done without some amount of intelligence. So, maybe logic isn't the enemy. But what is? Is there even some psychological foe that must be quelled in order to reach my Camusian pinnacle of enlightened living?

Ah. There we go.
Enlightened.

Could that be it?
And, no, I'm not talking about a recursion to Buddhism, although that was fun for as long as I was able to suspend disbelief. I mean truly coming to terms with the world-- which, I suppose is, is the point of Buddhism, but I digress. My point is, maybe there's some realization I should make about the world before I can truly live freely.

Hmm, there's another one. Freely.
Free.

So, am I living under the constraint of some force or another? It would be cliché to say that society, or organized government, were weighing me down, and to work this has to come from me. So, maybe this truth I need to realize is how to make myself free-- how to rid myself of oppression.

Maybe I'm just saying this because I need to here it.

Eh, wanderlust never killed anybody. Wait, never mind, hitchhikers get killed all of the time. Eh, whatever, I'll keep going. I'd rather have fun that be safe.

Well, that could be something. I know that I need to live for good, not in fear of bad, but maybe the thing is that I have too much caution that I see as good. I guess I already covered this, but I wasn't really listening to myself. Well, here I go again.

Caution=bad?

This is sort of my conclusion, I guess. I am entirely aware of how unsatisfying this might be. It really isn't much for bombast, but neither am I, or at least not at the time being. If you need a big finish, go read the first bit again-- you know, the part before I went all exploratory and experimental.

Then again, you might just be acting cautiously and relying on the structure of writing with which you're familiar. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Poo-tee-weet?

*I realize that this is fully debatable, but it is simply one opinion. If you are going to be off-put by one opinion with which you disagree, though, why even bother reading my column? Still, don't be shy with comments-- I'm always up for a good theological debate, so long as civility is maintained.
**No, this is not something that I have copy-pasted from another musing. My point was simply that this was a revelation that I had had before, and I still failed to follow this self-realized doctrine. Go on back to the part where you stopped, now.

Made Up Words

Okay. So recently, I was talking to someone, and I meant to say something was tragic, and then, for some supercrazy reason, I accidentally said tragedous instead.

And it dawned on me.

Tragedous is a truly spectacular word. In fact, I would go so far as to call it tragedous that no one has previously come up with the word tragedous!

They haven't, by the way. I googled it- hardly any results, and most of those were in an unrecognizable foreign language. Tragedeze, only spoken by trapeze artists who have been in terrible life-altering catastrophes.

So I am extending a challenge to anyone who happens to read this (if readers do in fact exist): Use the word tragedous. In casual conversation. And see if anyone notices.

In fact, because challenges seem fun, here's another: make up a word, and post it in a comment! And in my next post, I will try to guess the meaning of your made up word!

We're Off!

Tomorrow morning at an ungodly early hour, Quaden, Bub, Mr. Barrel Roll and I will be embarking on a journey to the magical land of Knoxville, Tennessee to compete in the 2008 global competition for Destination Imagination. For those of you who don't know what that is, yes, it is just as dorky as it sounds. But rest assured, its awesome. Its so inconceivably awesome, that I can't explain it here because I don't think our tiny little blog's brain could handle it. In all likely-hood, our little blog's brain would explode if I even tried so I'll spare us the bloody mess. Wish us luck!
Not that we'll need it, we're really really awesome.

It's been a while...

Well, as one can become bored when awaiting the end of a long bout of mathematically induced procrastination, I was thinking that I needed something with which to occupy myself, when it came to my attention that it had been a considerable while since I had waxed philosophical. No moar! This post officially starts what is hoped to be a (minimally) tri-weekly posting schedule. Specifically, I will attempt to post every Tuesday, Friday, and once a weekend. (My schedule is rather mutable, so cut me some slack.)
Now, onto today's topic:
Time.

"Chipping away
At the hours that make up a dull day..."

Pink Floyd aside, though, time is one of the most interesting subjects possible; and I do not mean that lightly-- I spend most weekdays in the company of Roy Weber (known to most as Ray), Subzero, and Suth. And, in terms of real interesting, Vonnegut, Hemingway, and Descartes.
So, this concept of time-- what makes it so cool? In brief, we don't know that it is real.

Let me reiterate.

We don't know whether or not time exists.

Let me elaborate. We are able to use the hands of a clock to accurately tell the hour, minute, and second, but we are not actually able to measure time. After all, what is a clock measuring? The rate of rotation of the gears; the amount of power coursing through the wires; to exponentiate, the rotation of the Earth around the Sun. Really, we have no real way of measuring time itself. This is sort of an abstract concept. Let me try to be more clear--
Imagine a ball floating in a chamber with no influences-- no atmosphere, no other particles, no momentum. Look at this orb floating, with no time passing. No observe it for one full hour. What changes? Absolutely nothing.

What throws an interesting light on this is quantum physics--specifically, the idea that observing a particle changes it. If this is true, then time might be measurable only if it is being measured-- which is sort of a conundrum.

This is far from a complete discussion-- but please, post with thoughts.

Not serious post!

In order to make up for the depressing seriousness of the below post, I give you this:

Serious Post

Hello Everyone. I'm here today to talk to you about a serious issue. As many of you know, this blog was originally started as a joke, and in the last few weeks has transformed into something else. Although all of the silliness and hilarity has remained, an additional factor has been added, our audience. Now while it was fun at first, countertrolling subzero, and making fun of the ridiculous things Ray says, it has grown to become an issue that needs addressing.
Although this post is not designed to point fingers, several specific issues must be addressed. Firstly the issue of blog contributors. Since this blog was started for fun, and with no thought towards the future, adequate plans were not made. The blog became fun and exciting, something that everyone wanted in on. In our haste to gain popularity, we began inviting everyone onto the blog. This is not to say that those who were invited were not deserving of these invitations, but rather that a plan should have been established beforehand. For, as I realized too late, once the lolcat was out of the bag (to internet a commonly used phrase) and contributors were being added, others would inevitably want to join. However, as with all groups, disagreements started occurring over who should be allowed to join. I wanted to be nice and not exclude people, while Porter wanted to not rush into adding as many people as possible.
And the comments, yeah. I know this is my fault for requesting comments, but seriously, if you are posting comments, you should know how to behave. I apologize if I ever was unclear on what was and was not appropriate.

So, the future. The blog will stay mostly the same for the near future, and then we will decide how to proceed from there. A few quick notes:

1. The ROFLmyZygote First Semi-bi-annual-awesome-ified-ithyphallophobic-tastic-isty-ry Blogging Championship will be temporarily suspended. Feel free to send entries, but a winner will not be judged for an indeterminate length of time.
2. Commenting moderating will remain for the near future, and hopefully be removed when we feel it is appropriate.
3. Try not to feel left out; we are working on a way for everyone to contribute without changing the original feel of the blog.

So, I'd love to hear your opinions. Am I making too big a deal out of this? Do you even really care about who's posting? Do you feel that you have been mistreated? Should the blog remain? Be changed? Do you even care?


One last note: I in no way want this post to upset anyone. I'm just trying to what's best for everyone involved, and don't want to cause any misunderstandings along the way.

For crying out loud!

Oh deary. This blog has been ravaged by flame wars and poisoned by excessive use of the CtrlC, Ctrl+V function, and we have been forced to take counter measures. As much as I love y'all, lets keep it civil. Yes, we understand that some of us feel the need to express our creativity in ways other than those that have been deemed socially acceptable, but copying the entire damn blog and posting it as a comment makes me rape hungry. Please, everybody, take a breath, light a campfire, sing a round of Kumbya, toke well, and make your peace with the world.

Another DIY

Because I have no shame.

Clusterfuck!

Holy hell! DI is in 1 day! Lets all do the good luck dance!YAY!

Last Post? (for a while)

Hello all.

It's nearly midnight and I can't sleep, so you know what that means... (no porter, not me working on our science project, although that might happen later if I'm still awake) ... me posting pseudo random blog posts.

But first a few updates, as most of you know, several of the bloggers will be gone at a DI competition for the next several days. Although I hope we will still be able to post, I really doubt we will have enough time (Globals is really busy). So, yay that.

Another update: Joelster. She is on the blog. OMG. Yay! New contributor. Made up words. Anticipation! Now, before all of you start writing in angrily complaining that you aren't on the blog, I have an announcement. For those who wish to join our illustrious blog, you now have an opportunity. However, your quest will not be easy. Many may perish along the way, several more may even die... twice, or something. Yes, danger, mystery, ooohh.

Anyways, the quest. First you must travel to the ancient realms of Sheagorath and procure the heart of a dragon. However, this heart must not be merely the heart of any dragon, for, as the true wizard knows, in ancient Sheagorath, there many dragons. A true knight will not prove himself until he has rescued the heart of a princess... somehow. Your quest, if you choose to accept it, will bring you closer to death than any experience in your life ever will. You will dance with madness and brush with the infinite realms of possibility. You may even have the fantastic opportunity to send the mighty empire of all that is and ever will be ROFLmyZygote the donation, the gift of incalculable value, whose mere existence has been rumored for centuries, the golden crested dragons heart of all that is $5.

Though many have struggled through this journey, none have yet escaped with their lives. And so, if you want to prove yourself, and establish your place in blogging history, you must brave the frost-bitten winters of Hastill, survive the heat-ravaged deserts on the moons of Xenonin the nearly infinite, and slay the everlastingly silver dragon of poverty. Once thy hast returneth to the kingdom of ROFLmyZygote, thee will be worthy of the title. A title so grand that it shall ring through the forests of the halls of the Kantheon and leave true kings weeping in glory. This title shall be bestowed upon the most daring adventurer and shall forever mark the light of wisdom within them. This title shall be: ...





















[omg!!!]

[what?]

[whr didd da qeust goo]

[quaden!]

Ahem. I am back fellow travelers. I have been abducted. By aliens. Space aliens. The quest. Has been forgotten. Yet, from its ashes, a new quest will rise. This will be the real quest. The one that will let you join our blog. And here it goes...

ROFLmyZygote First Semi-bi-annual-awesome-ified-ithyphallophobic-tastic-isty-ry Blogging Championship

The Rules:

1. Don't talk about ROFLmyZygote
2. Don't talk about ROFLmyZygote
3. OMG, don't pay attention to rules one and two, spread the word as much as you can, we need all the publicity we can ge, oh god we're so alone
4. You will need to send an email to cohlwiler@gmail.com containing one or more of the following:
1. $5
2. A brief description of why you would make a good contributor to our blog.
3. A sample post.
4. A sample photoshopping.
5. The heart of a dragon.
6. This one's worth extra points so pay attention: a written description, at least 250 words long of your quest to find the aforementioned dragon's heart.
7. A laptop (great for porn)
8. A bear (vito preferably)
9. Proof that global warming exists
5. All entries will be judged. A winner may be picked. You all may be killed. You have been warned.
   

I HAVE ARRIVED.

Hello friends, enemies, and freezers!

I am the official Joelster. And I am going to join the posters of this blog in order to improve the quantity of psychedelic christmas trees, obscure references, and general randomness.

It should be known that ROFLmyZygote is the most awesome blog in the world. If you are reading this, then you should already know that, but just in case.

I am currently about to leave blogland, so this is really just an introduction of sorts. 

NEXT TIME WITH THE JOELSTER: made up words!!!!

I know. So much anticipation.

peace out ROFLmyZygote readers!

Intro!

Well, as far as I know, this person has not yet received an account, but, sometime in the near future, our presence will most likely be graced by that of a NEW SECRET MYSTERY CONTRIBUTER! Well, mystery to you. I know exactly who this person is.
By the way, not Suth or Subzero-- think crazier.
Think Christmas Trees.

David is too quotable

You can't tell, but his shirt reads "Male Love"

Happy Birthday!

If my facebook is to be believed, today is a very special day. It is the birthday of one of our regular commenters: subzero. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I propose a one day truce. Subzero, you will be polite, and we won't make you look like Satan, again. Okay?

I think I have a problem.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vito_Fossella


You probably ought to just go ahead and kill me now. I've looked, and there's no shortage of vito's out there. So prepare for a lot more of this.

We surveyed 526 people and...

Another

If enough people ask me to explain this, I will.


http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&rls=GGGL,GGGL:2006-18,GGGL:en&q=vito%20scotti&revid=650254503&resnum=1&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi

Zomg, Inside Jokes

I was going to try and explain this, but I decided it wasn't worth the trouble.

Those that know what this is about, you will find this funny. Those that don't will be all "What. The. Hell."

But that's okay. Just look at the funny image and giggle.